ON PLATES AND PACKAGES


On Friday, November 6, 2020, I got a text from my gym saying that it would close on Monday, November 9, at 10pm for three weeks. Oslo was going into another lockdown. I knew immediately that it was going to be longer than three weeks. I also knew that I didn't want to go back to overhead squatting coffee tables and deadlifting duffel bags for an indefinite amount of time. Especially because the coffee table in my Oslo apartment is nothing like the one I used to have in Princeton, which had just the right shape and size for overhead squats. (I miss my Princeton table.) So, the next day I ordered a cheap Hammer weight set from the Norwegian website Training365.no: a short 10kg barbell, two loadable dumbbell bars, clamps, and a bunch of assorted crappy plates---the crappiest kind, vinyl shells filled with cement. I did want to get something better, maybe even assemble my own set from much nicer rubber-coated plates, but most of the good stuff was sold out and wasn't going to be back in stock until 2021, and my needs were urgent.

The weights were delivered to me by DHL on Monday, November 16. My excitement was, however, soon marred by an unpleasant discovery: two of the four 2.5kg plates from the set were leaking cement. The plugs weren't sealed tight and popped off once I pried them gently with a nail. I sighed, took a picture of the faulty plates, and penned a quick email to Training365.no, asking for a replacement. And thus began the long Kafka-Kharmsian story of plates and packages.

Training365.no, apparently, didn't have these plates in stock, so they took it up with Hammer Sport. After all, it did look like a manufacturing defect. I didn't yet know this, however, when on Wednesday, November 18 I got a text in Norwegian from Fedex, saying, according to Google Translate, that I had a package on its way from Hammer Sport, with tracking number 772100294695, and that I needed to send them "the documentation of the item's price in the form of credit card payment, paypal or similar, as well as a description". I looked up the package on the Fedex website and discovered that it weighed 10.75kg, which is more than one would expect from a package containing two 2.5kg plates. Did they send me the wrong plates? Or more than two? I am not one to complain about getting more weight than I asked for, however, I didn't really know what to do about that text from Fedex, so the next day I wrote a follow-up email to Training365.no, asking them about it. 

On Friday, November 20 several things happened. 

In the morning, I got an email from Hammer Sport's export service, responding to the email thread I had had with Training365.no:

"Dear Maria,

sorry for the problems that you have, we will send out today a new package but this time very good packed in a special box

That this will no more happened. 

Will send you later the tracking number.

Please confirm.

Thanks

Mit freundlichen Grüssen,
Best regards,

Dietmar Fresz
International Service Manager" 

At the bottom of Dietmar's email, there was a Hammer Sport banner with a reassuring slogan, '120 YEARS OF HIGH PERFORMANCE'. 

I wrote back to Dietmar, asking him about the text from Fedex and if that was the right package. Dietmar responded promptly:

"Dear Maria,

this is the new tracking number please check directly with Fedex : ( because this will be our last weights no more on stock at the moment and now they are very good packed )

Tracking 772139747649 Norwegen

Thanks and have a nice weekend.

Mit freundlichen Grüssen,
Best regards, 

Dietmar Fresz
International Service Manager" 

This was a different tracking number. The Fedex website told me this other package was indeed also on its way to me from Nersingen, Germany, but this one weighed 5.62kg, which was more in line with what I expected from two 2.5kg plates. Was I about to get six new 2.5kg plates? Or, more likely, two 5kg plates and two 2.5kg ones? The moral part of me was telling me that I should write back to Dietmar and try to sort this out. But the regular part of me begged to differ. I had already told Dietmar about that other package, he did not react. Also, it didn't look like he was going to help me with that text from Fedex about documentation. Dietmar was useless to me, and now it looked like I was about to get some extra plates for free. The original set only contained two 5kg plates. If the first package contained two more... I could load both dumbbells with two 5kg plates each. I could even start approaching a challenging weight on my homemade deadlift. Also, yet another 2.5kg plate from the original four started leaking cement (clearly, this was a faulty batch), and, according to Dietmar, they didn't have any more of those in stock, so I was obviously entitled to these extra plates, whatever their weight denomination. So I didn't respond to Dietmar.

Instead, I sent an email to the address from the Fedex text, osl-import@fedex.com, asking them to elaborate on what kind of documentation they wanted from me. The package contains replacement weight plates instead of the faulty ones sent to me by a different company, I explained; I didn't buy them from Hammer Sport, so I don't have any extra documentation. I got an autoreply acknowledging my email, with a case number. 

In the evening, I got a text from Posten, saying that a package from Fedex is scheduled to be delivered to me on Monday, November 23. The Posten tracking link from that text revealed that it was the 10.75kg package. Looks like things have worked out with the Fedex import, I thought. Maybe they've read my email. Maybe their original text was a mistake. Either way, I am about to get 10kg of extra weight individuated into an unknown number of plates. Exciting.

Nothing happened over the weekend. Nothing really does around here.

Monday, November 23 was much more eventful. 

In the morning, I got another text from Fedex import asking for extra documentation, but this time about the other package, the 5.62kg one. The Fedex tracker, however, told me that the package was already out for delivery. Indeed, these texts from Fedex import don't seem to mean anything, I concluded.

Closer to 5pm, I got two text messages about the 10.75kg package, one from Fedex and the other one from Posten, telling me that the package would be delivered to me soon. Indeed, around 5:30pm I got a phone call from a Fedex driver, and a few minutes later I was taking two brand new 5kg Hammer plates out of a box. Even though Dietmar wasn't apparently talking about this package, the plates were still very well packed into so much bubble wrap I could probably pack all of my (admittedly, not so numerous or voluminous) belongings into it. They looked better than the two I already had---slightly less cheaply made, with a nicer texture of the vinyl shell. I liked them. I briefly considered taking out the box to the paper recycling bin outside immediately, but then thought I would wait for the other package to arrive.

A few more minutes later, while I was still admiring my new plates, I got a phone call. The man on the other end politely inquired if I had just got a package from Fedex. 'Yes, I did', I said, with a sinking feeling in my stomach. 'Have you already unpacked it?' 'I did.' 'Could you repack it? There was a mistake.' I froze. That's it. I have been discovered. I should've written back to Dietmar. I should've tried to sort things out with him. Now I will have to go through the humiliation of having to send these beautiful, but unearned plates back to Germany. 'The package hasn't cleared customs', explained the man on the other end, 'so we need it back to clear customs. And then we will re-deliver it back to you. I am very sorry.' I was so relieved to learn that my little ruse apparently remained undetected that I failed to ask the man on the other end a very obvious question: what the fuck? How is this even possible? How do you manage to deliver a package that has not cleared customs? But then again, I knew the answer. Norway meets Fedex, innocence meets incompetence. 'But I don't have any tape to re-seal the box', I said instead. 'I am sure it's OK', responded the man on the other end. He and I agreed that a driver would come over the next day to pick up the package and take it back to Fedex for customs clearance. 

Before he hung up, I asked him about the other package. It was also supposed to be delivered today, I said, the tracker's been saying it's on a vehicle for delivery all day. The man on the other end looked up the package and told me that it had been handed over to TNT (I had no idea what TNT was, but asked no questions). Fedex has acquired TNT, he said, but doesn't really have much control over their delivery process, but he's sure that it's OK and that the package will probably be delivered before 7pm. 'But what if it hasn't cleared customs either?', I asked. 'Will I have to give it back as well?' 'I don't know', he said, 'But it's probably OK.' 'Well, I'll keep the box just in case.'

There was no box for me to keep, however. Around 9pm, when it became painfully clear that the other package was not going to be delivered on that day, I looked up its status on the Fedex website again and felt a familiar ire rising up in my chest. 'Delivery exception', said the tracker, 'Customer not available or business closed'. How many times have I seen these words mockingly stare at me from a Fedex page before? More often than not, they would be lies. Not available, my ass. We are in a fucking lockdown. The only time I set foot outside my apartment that day was when I was picking up that other package. At least they weren't trying to lie that the package had been delivered when it hadn't---something that Fedex did to me a few times back in the US.

Norwegian Fedex customer service chat was opening at 9am the next day, so on Tuesday, November 24, at 9am sharp, I filled out the chat form and sent my pre-written passive aggressive message about the missing package. Soon enough I got an automatic greeting in the chat window, 'Hello, thank you for visiting Fedex.com I am Jennie and will help you today.' Upon reading my message, Jennie said, 'I will check', and disappeared. A few minutes later, the chat window closed on its own and got replaced with a feedback form. I filled out the chat form again, with an even more passive aggressive message. 

Something to know about Norway. It's a very small country, with only five something million people total, and Oslo is essentially a big village, at least from the perspective of a former Moscow and New York dweller. Consequently, you keep encountering the same staff when it comes to customer service, delivery people, and the like. Like, it's always the same cheerful guy who brings me my DHL packages. The first package he was supposed to deliver to me was a set of kitchen knives I ordered on Amazon, and I wasn't home when he called, so he said he was going to deliver it "to the stadium" (which I later realized was a pick-up point in one of the stores at Ullevaal). I was new to the mysterious ways of Norwegian delivery services, so I saved his number, in case I needed to follow up, as 'dhl delivery guy knives', but I really should change it to just 'dhl delivery guy' at this point. 

So, I wasn't surprised when I got greeted by Jennie again. 'Hi Jennie', I typed, 'the previous chat ended for some reason.' 'It is booked for delivery on Wednesday', said Jennie. She verified my address, and I explained to her how packages are normally delivered to our building, and she promised to add this information to the instructions for the driver. 

Later that day, I got a one-sentence response from Charlotte at osl-import@fedex.com: 'In order for us to get this shipment cleared by customs and delivered, we need for you for forward a copy of your purchase order or proof of payment.' Somehow they missed the part where I never bought the bloody plates. 'Hi Charlotte', I wrote back, 'This is getting truly surreal.' I proceeded to retell the story of the two packages so far (omitting the part about one of them having been sent in error). I also examined the box the 5kg plates came in and discovered an invoice in a plastic pocket attached on the outside, which described the contents of the package, indicated that it was a "Return and Repair" shipment type, declared the value of the goods, and was signed by Dietmar Fresz. I snapped a picture of the invoice before repacking it into the pocket and attached that picture to my response to Charlotte, asking her if that's what they were looking for and hypothesizing that the other package probably had a similar invoice attached to it as well, in case there was a similar customs clearance issue with it. 

Just as I clicked 'Send', I got a phone call from a Fedex driver. She was there to pick up the 10.75kg package for customs clearance. 'Is it OK that the box is unsealed?', I asked as I was handing the box to her. 'I don't have any tape.' She looked puzzled. 'Well... where is it going?' She didn't know. 'To me', I said. 'You don't know, do you? Let me explain.' She patiently put the package on the ground and prepared to listen to me. She was a good listener, nodding and uh-huhing at just the right places and showing genuine sympathy with my predicament. 'I hope you'll get your packages', she said as she was picking up the box back from the ground. 'Thanks', I said, feeling much better after this little therapy session. 'Do you need help with the box? It's heavy.' 'No, it's OK, it's not very heavy.' That stung a little. Of course, this box is not very heavy, I could overhead press it all day, but it's a bit cumbersome to carry, and it's unsealed, but, of course, it's not heavy, pfft. I didn't say any of that, though. 

The other package was not delivered on Wednesday. I did get another text from Posten that a package from TNT was on its way, but it never showed up. The Fedex tracker just said 'Tendered to authorized agent for final delivery', and the Posten/TNT tracker kept saying 'Notification that shipment is on route by SMS' before changing to 'The shipment has been handed in at terminal and forwarded' after 10pm. In the meantime, the status of the 10.75kg package on the Fedex website changed to 'Clearance delay - Import A confirmation of the value of goods is required'.

When I woke up on Thursday, November 26, the first thing I did was check the status of the 5.62kg package. 'The shipment is recalled by the sender', said the TNT/Posten tracker. I bolted out of bed. That's it. Dietmar finally came to his senses. He realized he had sent an extra package to me, and now he is trying to fix this, but he is recalling the wrong package! I have to write to him, I have to come clean, I need his help if I want to ever sort out this mess. I rushed to my computer and started drafting an email to Dietmar. But wait, I thought suddenly, what if "recalled by the sender" means that the package was recalled from TNT by Fedex? To clear customs? Just like the other one? I need to talk to Fedex first. I finished and saved my email draft and started waiting for 9am.

At 9 sharp, Jennie was there. 'Hi Jennie', I said, 'We've been chatting a lot about my packages lately'. 'I will check', she replied. This time the chat didn't end prematurely, but Jennie didn't manage to find out what was going on with the 5.62kg package. I told her about the other package and about my correspondence (or rather lack thereof) with Charlotte at osl-import@fedex.com. Both packages have replacement plates from the manufacturer, I said, so I don't have any receipts, but there was an invoice attached to the 10.75kg box, and there must be one attached to the 5.62kg one, as well, just please, for heaven's sake, bring me my plates already. Jennie told me that she had no control over the import people, but she would add all this information to the file, and she would have someone get in touch with me soon.

Indeed, a couple hours later, I got a message from Fedex about the 5.62kg package: 

"Dear Maria,

Unfortunately, there has been some issue with the delivery of this shipment.
I am investigating with TNT when we can expect that this will be delivered and will contact you at latest by 1600 tomorrow with further details. It doesn't look like this will be delivered today.

I'm sorry about the inconveniences.

Med vennlig hilsen/ Kind regards
Merethe Bråhammar"

I wrote back to Merethe, retelling her the entire story of the two packages (again, omitting the part about one of them having been sent in error). In the back of my head, I was beginning to wonder if I was telling the story to too many people and in too much detail. Does my eagerness to get these packages seem suspicious? What if the customs people start thinking that those plates aren't filled with cement after all? What if they decide to remove the plugs to take a look? 

Merethe responded the next day:

"Dear Maria,

Thanks for the information.

I have forwarded the information regarding the invoice and will contact you before 1600 11/30 for futher information.

Have a nice weekend!

Med vennlig hilsen/ Kind regards
Merethe Bråhammar"

In the meantime, the status of the 10.75kg package on the Fedex website changed to 'International shipment release - Import'. Hope began to shimmer in my heart, getting brighter and brighter with every new update, a little beacon of light in the almost perpretual darkness of Norwegian winter. On Friday, November 27, the package was re-delivered to me. The plates were still sealed. 

The other package took a bit longer. On Monday, November 30, the Posten/TNT tracker issued an apologetic, but cryptic status update, 'The shipment was unfortunately misdirected, but has been forwarded to the correct destination.' What was the correct destination at this point? Merethe did get back to me as well, only to confirm what I already knew and to say that she had no further updates. The next day this package finally cleared customs as well (and I got another polite, but useless message from Merethe), and finally, on Wednesday, December 2, a box with two brand new, perfectly sealed 2.5kg plates, also packaged in an insane amount of bubble wrap, was delivered to me. 

It is almost Christmas now. Oslo is still in lockdown, which will last into January, and possibly beyond. We have flattened the second wave, but for all I know, the authorities might decide to delay reopening gyms until mass vaccination is possible. I can't fit all my plates on the barbell simultaneously, and even if I strap the remaining plates to the grip section (which is suboptimal, especially for the sumo stance), I still don't have enough weight to properly overload the deadlift. Also, I am getting tired of having to pull with a deficit (the largest plates I have are 10kg, with a relatively small diameter). So, a bit over a week ago, I gave up and ordered two 20kg rubber-coated iron plates from another website. A few days ago, I got the UPS tracking links for the two packages, shipped from Germany. Let the adventure begin.